The Fic That Has No Name
by TheMonkeyStoleTheWallet
Summary: The other versions of the Harry Potter Books, that nobody read. The story contains special guests, ICEE's, and feasting. Lots and Lots of Feasting. Please Read and Review! Definetly some laughs!
1. Dance of the Snitch

**Author's Notes**: Well, instead of doing a parody of Book 2, I thought, "Why not to do a parody of all the books put together…" and then I pretty much went blank from there.  This story will have guest appearances, food, and the occasional show stopping number.  

**Disclaimer**:  All characters are J.K. Rowling's.  All hers, and not mine *sniff*

**Rating**: ….PG/PG-13…yeah  

The Fic That Has No Name 

            Harry Potter was a very unusual boy for many reasons.  One, was that he lived with his uncle and aunt, and not his parents because they were the victims of an ICEE power trip gone wrong.  He also had 2 full-length feature films about himself, that not only did extremely well at the box office, but warmed the hearts of millions of children.  And old people.  But unlike any hero, a horrible plot was being…plotted against him, because that what he does.  Fights crime…and…has his very own theme music.  

Doooo Dooo Do Do Doo Dooo Do… 

Harry Potter twirled around the stage at his ballet class.  He was the best dancer out of everyone, and you might be asking why he takes ballet.  His uncle and aunt might be made out to be rude and mean to their nephew, but they wanted him to stay in shape for fighting evil dark lords.  

He made his last turn and then was greeted by a thunderous applause from the audience.  They threw flowers at him. One hit him in the face.  He cried.  They laughed.

After the incident at the Ballet, Harry returned to his cupboard under the stairs.  He wept.  Beucase that's what he does best.  

**Meanwhile 100 miles away**

Voldermort sat on his pink fluffy chair, watching each one of his deatheaters.  They watched him back.  

"Come on now master, you have to do it now or never" said Avery.

"Fine!" he bellowed.  This next move in his plan was critical.  He threw down the dice that revealed a seven.  "6,7! I pass go I collect 200 hundred Galleons! 

The death eaters cheered as Voldermort put away "Dark Lord Monopoly".  

"Now it is time for my brilliant plan to take place!"

"What is it Master? Said Wormtal.  This was a bad idea, for you see, the Dark Lord had no plan.  Not only did he not have a plan, but now he looked stupid.  He knew of only one thing to do.

He slapped Wormtail across the face.  

"As soon as I think of the plan I'll let you know" he said as he put a pink ribbon around his bald snake-like head to help him think.  

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Ha! I know that was short, but there is much more to come!

  Please review. If you do, I'll give you 10 brownie points!


	2. The letters from someone

**Author's Notes:**  Wow! Thanks to all the people who reviewed the first chapter.  Everyone gets 10 brownie points!  Oh, and as always BE KIND REWIND! On with the story.

Harry was sitting in the hallway one day, casually reading a book called "Courageous Animal Stories".  He had just finished the tale about Bobert, the Wonder Dog, that saved 50 people from a burning building while still managing to give CPR to a passed out baby.  Then, out of nowhere a pile of envelopes fell on him.  Dudley walked in and yelled, "ENVELOPE FIGHT!"

For a moment in time, Dudley and Harry were getting along, playing in the sea of envelopes.  Well, up until the point when Harry threw an envelope at Dudley and it poked his eye.  Harry got the crap beaten at of him.

After, a very bruised Harry finally put two and two together; he picked up an envelope and was proceeding to open it. But alas, Uncle Vernon snatched it out of his hand, and for inexplicable reasons took the whole family to a shack in the middle of nowhere.

Insert lighting, big waves, thunder, for good effect 

"Happpyyyyyy Birthday to Meeeeeeeee" sang Harry, as he also played the guitar that appeared out of nowhere.

As he was about to go into the second verse, a big Hairy man beast walked through the door, looking around frantically.  "Who are you?" asked Harry.

"Why…I am…Hagrid…That's Right, Hagrid" 

A man with a hunting rifle ran in with a camera crew. "There he is Bigfoot! Get him!"  The man beast through himself out the window, followed by the men.  

"Wow, my life is so messed up…" said Harry as he proceeded to play his guitar.  

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As it turns out the _REAL_ Hagrid came into the shack minutes after the last intrusion with some lovely Mission Impossible theme music to go with his entrance, and ended up crushing Uncle Vernon and Aunt Pentunia.  Dudley on the other hand, was promptly turned into a pig , ended up joining the cast of "Babe" and warmed the hearts of millions.  

"Here is a letter for you Harry, it will help you understand", said Hagrid.  Harry took the letter and ripped it open and it read it out loud, _"Dear Mr. Potter, we are please to inform you that you now have been approved for Washington Mutual…"_

"Whoops, I mean this letter" said Hagrid.  Harry read the other letter over and discovered that he was in fact going to a wizard school. But he wept inside.  Not, that he was leaving his pancake shaped Uncle and Aunt behind, but that he would never get the account with Washington Mutual.  

He shed a tear, but then walked out the door with Hagrid, and a yelled a hearty, "See you later suckers!" to his relatives.   

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Wow, that chapter was just really random.  Who agrees? *everyone raises their hands*

Next chapter, Harry learns THE TRUTH, he meets a horde of new characters

And does some feasting. Maybe.  Please review.  


	3. THE TRUTH

**Author's Notes**:  Wow people, thanks for all the reviews, they warm my heart.  Alas, I must be getting back to school, so this might be the last update for a few days or a week.  It's almost time for graduation and my class is in a panic right now, trying to get their things done before May.  But, I will try, to keep the laughs coming.  Thanks again for all the reviews.  

After leaving his relatives behind, Harry was taken to Diagon Alley to get his school supplies and ended up saving a lot of money at the Wizard Walmart.  Hagrid then took Harry to get an ice cream cone and tell Harry the truth about his parents demise. 

"and you see Harry, that is how, I didn't get on the Quidditch team at Hogwarts many years ago…" said Hagrid, with a misty look in his eyes.  Harry coughed.  "Well that's nice Hagrid, but you were going to tell me about my parents…"

"Oh yes.  Well you see, it happened many years ago…"

**(Insert ripple flashback effect)**

"Another drink Tom?" said James Potter as he took an empty cup to the Potters' ICEE Machine.

"Oh yes please and make it a double!" yelled Tom. 

"Now Tom, do you promise not to have another one of your power trips?" asked Lily.  For you see, Tom Riddle got these ICEE power trips once in a while and one time he insulted a man in Germany and let's just say it sparked a controversy like, World War II.  But hey, who's the wiser.  

"I promise, I won't," said Tom as he gulped down his fifth Cherry ICEE.

**(10 Minutes Later…)**

"I'm to seexxxyyyy for myself, so sexxxyyyy it hurtttssss!" sang Tom, from atop the coffee table with a lampshade on his head.

"I do believe you have had enough!" yelled James as he tried to help the wizard off the table.

Bad idea, James should know not to come between Voldermort and his ICEE.  The Dark Lord then, uttered the most horrible curse known to wizarding kind.

"Bippity Boppity Boop!"

**(End Flashback)**

"There was blueberry ICEE everywhere!" said Hagrid as he finished the horrid tale.

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!" yelled Harry. "I will never drink another ICEE again" and with that he produced a "_ICEE's are bad mmm...k?_" button.

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The next day he met his soon to be bestest friend Ronald Bartholomew Augustus Weasley on the train to his school, and some girl, with the name Hermione, which the fandom could never know how to pronounce properly. 

They went to some classes, did some feasting, and had a crazy adventure with a troll, which will be continued until next week.

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Hahah, I don't even know if the sequences of events are right, but that makes the story all more fun.

Oh the sad and horrible truth that is …the truth.  Next week, Halloween, some food, and a special guest.  Thanks for reading, now be kind and review!  Thanks everyone! 


	4. just so random

**Author's Notes**: Hey everyone! I had a little while to write a new chapter, before I have to go back to reading Pride and Prejudice.  Ah, yes, so now let us all sit around the campfire and rejoice in the storytelling.  

Harry and his chum Ron were in the girl's loo, fighting a troll that had managed to get into the school, and had Hermione cornered.  Harry had run out of ideas, "Hermione! I've run out of ideas! Do something!"

"You got it!  Alright troll, take this! " she yelled

**(2 hours later)**

So you see, in the goblin wars of 1765, the bad guys did some stuff, and then the good guys won" Hermione finished triumphantly.  But no one was listening. The troll had fallen asleep.  What better way to stop a troll then give a boring history lesson?

"I did it! Harry, Ron?" she asked.  But alas, both of the boys were asleep on the bathroom floor and Hermione noticed Ron's occasional thumb sucking and sleep talking. 

"Blast!"

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After the incident with the troll, Hermione explained what happened to the teachers.  Why they took two hours to find them was a mystery, but she did notice that Snape had confetti stuck to his hair, and Professor Flitwick did look a little tipsy.  

A few days later, Harry and the Potterets were strolling along the hall, which happened to be conveniently located on the third floor.  They came to a door. 

"Hey look, let's go through the door, maybe there is food!" yelled Ron.

The trio waltzed in and didn't even take notice of the bright red sign that read, "FORBIDDEN CORRIDOR, STAY OUT!  AND NO THERE IS NO FOOD HERE!"

Through the dimly lit corridor they heard a noise behind them and assumed that is was Mrs. Norris and started to run like hell.  A cockroach came out from the shadows.  

They closed a door behind them, and there in the room was the most horrifying creature ever.

"Yo quiero Taco Bell" said a tiny Chihuahua.

"Ruunnnnnn" yelled Harry

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Wow, see what happens when you have cinnamon tea with a empty stomach?  That chapter was just the most random of them all, but that's what makes everything all good!  


	5. tra la la la la

**A/N**:  I don't know exactly what happended after the encounter with the troll because I haven't read the book in a loooong time, it's just there, staring...right! So this is the new chappie! Enjoy.  

Over the next few months, the Potter Trio got into quite a few misadventures.  They had to deal with some bullies, Harry had to do the occasional sneaking around, and Ron had to be Snape's dance partner for a tournament, but that is a whole different story.  But the one thing was the most important adventure was Harry's quest of trying to find the holy grail of Ice cream.  Or not.  But he did have to help Hagrid, free a dragon.  

"We are here to say goodbye to Norbert the Dragon, he had a good few months here and will be missed." Said Harry on the roof of the tower,  Hagrid and Hermione were there too, but Ron was no where to be found.

Elsewhere in the castle… 

"Come now Weasely, step back step front!" yelled Snape who was sporting a long colorful skirt.  It was not easy finding good dance partners these days.  

Back on the tower roof… 

Hagrid cried as they let the dragon go out of it's cage into the sunset…even though it was nighttime.  

"byeeeee Norbert! I always remember yoooooooooooouuu!" said Hagrid as he started to climb off the roof, but he flat on his face and off the tower.  

Harry and Hermione walked down the hallway but then got nabbed and were in a lot of trouble.  Poor kids.  

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As his punishment, Harry had to into the forbidden forest to do some gardening, but was greeted by the most horrific sight in the whole world.  

"Oh my god!  It's Snape in a speedo!" yelled Harry as Snape dashed through the woods in neon water wear.  

_(A/N: No not that… that)_

"Oh,  a man in a dark hooded cloak drinking unicorn blood?"

(A/N: No the other thing)

"Wait, you don't mean…My Little Pony?"  asked Harry in Horror, for their in the clearing was 10 ponies braiding each others hair. 

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Harry as he ran screaming out of the forest, but promptly fell on a rake that appeared out of nowhere.  

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 I totally had a jolly rancher sugar high while writing this but I hope you all enjoyed!  Brownie Points for all who review!!


	6. Tacos and Candy

**A/N**: Whooo hoo! I'm back! Senior Year is over and I have a loooot of free time! So to the faithful readers of this fic, I present to ye a new chapter.  
  
After some careful plotting and what not, Harry and his gang were going to go through the trap door and rescue the sorcerer's stone. With their careful analysis and with a little help from Google.com their plan was set. It was the wee hours of the morning when the three students rode around on Harry' Invisible scooter, going to the forbidden corridor.   
  
"Okay Hermione, Ron, ready?" asked Harry as he put his hand on the door handle. They both nodded and then they stepped into the darkness.

_30 minutes later…_

"Yo quiero taco bell…" said the Chihuahua dog who was eating a soft shell taco. For you see what is a better way to bribe a dog than with tacos?  
  
"We better hurry and get through that trap door, before Snape gets the stone and you don't get to be the hero of the story Harry," said Ron, as he and Hermione shared a Nacho's Bell Grande.

"Yeah, okay" said Harry as he jumped down into the trap door. But he jumped back out to finish his taco.  
  
After battling some devil's snare and opening a few door here and there, they come across an all too familiar sight.  
  
"Harry, is this a giant chess board?" asked Hermione in a frightened voice.  
  
"Worse," said Ron. "It's a giant Candyland board."  
  
"Nooooooooooooooo!" yelled Hermione, for you see as a child she never one a single game of candy land.  
  
"We have to play through." said Ron. He was after all the Candyland champion of his household but he didn't let Harry or Hermione know that._A little while later…_ "Yesssss we won, I won, yes!!!" shouted Hermione.  
  
"Uh , Ron is kinda unconscious…" said Harry. "You have to stay here while go and get the stone."  
  
"Yeah whatever." said Hermione and she did a victory dance.  
  
Harry took a deep breath as he opened the door to finally retrieve the stone.   
  
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Could it be? A cliffhanger? In a parody? Yeah. But not to worry I will be back to write more soon. Thanks for reading everyone. 


	7. The finale

**A/N**: The Final Chapter people!!! Dun Dun Dun!  
  
"So Harry, how did it feel rescuing the sorcerer's stone from the Evil Dark Lord and facing such extreme danger?" asked Hermione the next day at the farewell feast.  
  
"It was one scary experience, but I didn't let Quirell get the best of me." He said triumphantly. "It wasn't an easy thing to do." This of course is what Harry was telling people. He recounted to final moments of Quirells defeat and the saving of the sorcerer's stone.   
  
_24 hours ago…_  
  
"Gimme the stone. Gimme Gimme or I'm telling Voldermort!" Cried Quirell.  
  
"No!" yelled Harry as he ran up the stairs. Quirell was about to kill the poor boy until he ended up tripping on a rake and then was rendered unconscious.   
  
"Oh well," said Harry as he dragged the professor to a conveniently located broom closet. "That takes care of that" Harry said as he held up the sorcerer's stone. But then out of nowhere a elderly women in a long flowy night gown came over to Harry and grabbed the oddly-enough blue heart shaped stone from him. The women instantly lost her wrinkles and white hair and transformed into…  
  
"Kate Winslet?" Harry said. The women nodded and ran back to the bow of the Titanic.  
  
"Yeah, okay" he said

* * *

'As we approach the end of the year, all I have to say is .." said a teary-eyed Dumbledore, "that you have until 6 o clock to get the hell out of the castle."   
  
_Later that day…or night…or yeah_  
  
"Don't forget to write us Harry!" For you see, Harry's heroic efforts won him a trip to Disneyland and he would be there for a whole week.   
  
"See you later, friend." said Ron as he packed into his father's mini coup with his other brothers.  
  
And so, Harry successfully completed his first year at Hogwarts, survived this parody, and came away with two new friends. Also he is getting prepared for the sequel to the Fic That Has No Name and he needs a lot of rest for the next story.   
  
The End  
  
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Well, people that was it. But no worries, summer is only just begun and that means a new parody to be thought of! Thanks to the readers and their reviews, and the reviews and their readers. 


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